My Coming Out Story

In September of 2012, sitting on a beach at Destin, FL, I was challenged by a book called, “Washed and Waiting,” by Wesley Hill.  Hill’s writing challenged me and I’ve been trying to figure out what the LORD is calling me to do with it.

As I share my current story in this article I will reference Hill’s book often.  It closely resembles my own story and I have referred others to it as they desire to have a better understanding of my experience and the experience of others like me.  Though my story is certainly uniquely my story and I do not embrace every statement in Hill’s book he has skillfully written an extremely important book for our time.  I highly recommend it.

Though I have been open about my own personal homosexual history ever since I experienced a church intervention in November of 1995 and I have never led anyone to believe that I have become a person with heterosexual desires I feel it is vitally important for me at this time to be crystal clear about my own personal sexuality and how I have chosen to live out the rest my life.

It seems in the past several months more and more Christians who experience gay desires are “coming out” and embracing gay identities.  It also seems more and more churches are identifying their faith communities as gay affirming communities denying the “truth and the position the Christian Church has held with almost total unanimity throughout the centuries:  that homosexuality was not GOD’s original creative intention for humanity, that it is, on the contrary, a tragic sign of human nature and relationships being fractured by sin, and therefore that homosexual practice goes against GOD’s express will for all human beings, especially those who trust in Christ (Washed & Waiting, by Wesley Hill, p. 14-15).”

For as long as I can remember I have experienced homosexual longings and desires.  Even as a young boy I was involved in homosexual behavior . . . acting out with others what had been acted out on me during years of sexual abuse.  This was my dark secret life and practice for the first forty-five years of my life.    

As a seventeen year old I lived with intense shame and guilt.  Though I was not a Christian and had not been raised attending church and had very little comprehension of the existence of GOD, I had a deep sense within me that my homosexual desires were not what I wanted to embrace.  They were a dead-end street to me.  I wanted to be married to a woman and have a family.

Out of a sense of desperation I made an independent conscious choice to follow Christ and to intentionally lean more about the Christian way of living.  Unfortunately, it was not until the church intervention twenty-eight years later that I began to more fully comprehend what authentic Christianity looked like.  I continue to be deeply moved by GOD’s purposes through adversity and suffering.  This year (November 2015) will be twenty years that I have been on this incredible redemptive journey of following JESUS in a transparent and authentic way.  Using the title of Hill’s book I have been “washed” clean by GOD’s Son and Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:11) and have been living my life “waiting” in hope (Romans 8:25).

So, I am on a journey . . . an adventure!  And as I enter into the latter years of my life things have never been better!  Yes, I continue to struggle week in and week out as I learn from JESUS how to live faithfully as a Christian who experiences same-gender attractions.  But Holy Spirit has birthed within me a greater passion for Him than for my sexual longings.  I believe that is the only way any human being created as sexual beings will find peace, joy, and fulfillment as we “wait” for the culmination of our true eternal destiny . . . the purpose for which all humans exist. 

Though GOD’s presence in my life has not meant that I now have opposite-gender attractions He has in some mysterious way spiritually and surgically removed my old flesh born of Adam and replaced it with His new flesh born of JESUS and His Spirit (2 Corinthians 5:14-21).  Whereas before my heart’s desire was to fulfill my fleshly desire, now my heart’s desire and passion in life is to allow Holy Spirit to “life-out” the life of JESUS in me and through me (Galatians 5:16-25).

I do not want to dispute GOD’s ability to change homosexual desire for some, but I do want to clarify that has not been my experience.  Nor has it been the experience of many other authentic Christians who silently struggle to remain faithful as they truly worship and serve with us, day after day, in the fellowship of the Church (Hill, p. 15).

Even still, I have made a conscientious choice not to embrace a gay identity but rather to follow JESUS fully and to continually pursue a deeper level of intimacy with the Father unhindered by an idolatrous pursuit of sexuality on any level whether it be homosexual or heterosexual.

Whether you or I possess same-gender longings or opposite-gender longings GOD calls all of us to live out and celebrate the moral empowering of HOLY SPIRIT in our lives (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).  The purpose of my story and of Sight Ministry is to help Christians who continue to possess same-gender desires but who are non-practicing to live out and celebrate the grace of JESUS and the power of HOLY SPIRIT.  [We also purpose to reach out in a redemptive loving way to challenge individuals who are self-identified as gay and who may be Christian or who may not be Christian to honestly consider and enter into dialogue with the truths of the authentic Gospel of JESUS.]

I feel compelled to share my story with complete transparency because I know there are many other Christians who are already convinced that their discipleship to JESUS necessarily commits them to the demanding, costly obedience of choosing not to nurture their homosexual desires, whether through private fantasies or physical relationships with other gay or lesbian people (Hill, page 16).

My desire is like that of Wesley Hill’s, to contribute in some small way to breaking the silence that persists in many churches.  A large number of Christians who possess same-gender desires feel frightened at the thought of sharing the story of their sexuality with their fellow believers.  For years they choose to remain silent paralyzed by fear and shame.  I did that for most of my life.  I will not go back into the closet again to be enslaved by secrets.  My hope is to encourage many other Christians to take the risky step of opening up their lives to others in the body of Christ.  This encompasses a powerful biblical principle about living in the light rather than the darkness and openly confessing our sin and struggles with one another as we come together in the Body of Christ the authentic Church (Hebrews 10:19-25).

I can’t say it any better than Hill’s writing (pages 18-19):

“I desire to encourage those who have grown up feeling like resident aliens and have struggled to know why.  I desire to encourage those who are Christians who fear what their parents might think when they discover the attractions their sons or daughters have wrestled with for years.  I desire to encourage those who have married heterosexuals in a last ditch effort to change their sexual orientation (as I did) but who find their homosexual desires just as strong today as they ever were before.  I want to encourage all the Christians living behind closed doors, desperately wanting to share their deepest secret with the churches they attend but feeling unable to.”

“I desire to encourage persons who have experienced stinging rejections from Christians but who nevertheless are convinced that GOD wants them to try to live pure and faithful lives within the flawed and often hurtful community of the Church.  I want to encourage those who have tried – and are trying – to “become heterosexual” and are not succeeding and wonder, for the umpteenth time, what exactly it is that GOD wants them to do.”

“But I also want to help others – parents, brothers and sisters, close relatives not in the immediate family, good friends, pastors, student leaders, counselors – who are close to Christians who have same-gender desires and want to help guide them toward healing, wholeness, and Christian maturity.”

“I want to help Christians who have same-gender desires to believe that the authentic Gospel of JESUS can enable and empower them to fulfill GOD’s purposes in this world.  I want to help them to learn how to deal with their loneliness.  I want them to know that even as a Christian who has homosexual desires they can actually be “a real ingredient in the divine happiness” (C. S. Lewis).  We can please GOD, we can truly experience His pleasure in the midst of sexual brokenness, and in the end share in His glory.” 

“I want to help others embrace the truth that being gay or having same-gender desires, or for that matter, having opposite-gender desires, isn’t the most important thing about a person’s identity.  We need to passionately live out the fact that we are Christian before we are anything else.  Our sexuality is only a part of who we are, a facet of our personality.  One day, whether in this life or the next, all of that will fade away.  But our identity in JESUS will always remain!”

I wonder what the world would look like if gay people and straight people alike would be as passionate about having an authentic intimate love relationship with GOD through JESUS as they have about their sexuality and about demanding their own civil rights. 

May we embrace the truth that all people are created by GOD and in the image of GOD and that our ultimate purpose is to “love GOD with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might” (Deuteronomy 6:5; Matthew 22:36-40).  May we come to have a heart of compassion and love toward others like me who possess same-gender attractions but who choose to embrace their true identity in JESUS, so that we might also have freedom to follow JESUS with the community of faith we call the Church.

[I want to passionately ask you to partner with Sight Ministry at this strategic time in our nations’ history.  I need you.  Individuals participating in our ministry need you.  Those who have yet to learn of our ministry need you.  Please contact me to learn how you can partner with us.]