1st Pastorate After Seminary |
As I sit alone in my home with my
fireplace blazing (thanks to Netflix and “Fireplace for Your Home with Music”) today
has become a day of somber reflection.
Perhaps it’s because another year is ending leaving me longing and
yearning for the “redemption of my body” (Romans 8:23) and once again another
new year is rushing in with its hint of hope and fulfillment. This will be my sixty third experience on
this journey of new years.
Yesterday I made another
pilgrimage to an area representing part of my past. As I traveled through some of those rural
areas I was reminded of many wonderful people whom I have loved and who have
loved me, and my mind was flooded with many memories of life experiences during
those years, both good and bad.
However, the most pervasive
realization and emotion that I experienced was one that I’m having a difficult
time expressing. Perhaps the following
words, each having their own weight, coming together, express a more complete
explanation: horror, sadness, emptiness,
repugnance, repulsion, revulsion,
hurt, heaviness, regret, misunderstanding, helplessness, ignorance and wonder. It was not a positive or affirming emotion!
The geographical area I’m
referring to is actually west Tennessee, years before my secrets became public. The emotions were not based on my secrets
being exposed but on the knowledge that I was living in the midst of secrets
that controlled my life and that caused me to walk in legalism with a spirit of
judgment and condemnation. During that
season of my life I was miserable on the inside and I was out of control and
there was no help being offered . . . I was living a life of secrets and oppressing
darkness and no one knew . . . but GOD.
Bi-Vocational Pastorate While Campus at Union University |
All I can say is I never ever
want to go back to where I once was. I’m
not speaking about a geographical location. I’m speaking about a state of being or
existence.
I continue to thank GOD for His
grace in orchestrating a church intervention (years later) in 1995 that
initiated a new perspective on life as it is to be lived in this foreign land
until that day.
And so I say along with
Paul: “[18]For I consider that the
sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory
that is to be revealed to us. [22]For we
know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth
together until now. [23]And not only
this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we
ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the
redemption of our body.” (Romans 8)