In September of 2012, sitting on
a beach at Destin, FL, I was challenged by a book called, “Washed and Waiting,”
by Wesley Hill. Hill’s writing
challenged me and I’ve been trying to figure out what the LORD is calling me to
do with it.
As I share my current story in
this article I will reference Hill’s book often. It closely resembles my own story and I have
referred others to it as they desire to have a better understanding of my
experience and the experience of others like me. Though my story is certainly uniquely my
story and I do not embrace every statement in Hill’s book he has skillfully
written an extremely important book for our time. I highly recommend it.
Though I have been open about my
own personal homosexual history ever since I experienced a church intervention
in November of 1995 and I have never led anyone to believe that I have become a
person with heterosexual desires I feel it is vitally important for me at this
time to be crystal clear about my own personal sexuality and how I have chosen
to live out the rest my life.
It seems in the past several
months more and more Christians who experience gay desires are “coming out” and
embracing gay identities. It also seems
more and more churches are identifying their faith communities as gay affirming
communities denying the “truth and the position the Christian Church has held
with almost total unanimity throughout the centuries: that homosexuality was not GOD’s original
creative intention for humanity, that it is, on the contrary, a tragic sign of
human nature and relationships being fractured by sin, and therefore that
homosexual practice goes against GOD’s express will for all human beings,
especially those who trust in Christ (Washed & Waiting, by Wesley Hill, p.
14-15).”
For as long as I can remember I
have experienced homosexual longings and desires. Even as a young boy I was involved in
homosexual behavior . . . acting out with others what had been acted out on me
during years of sexual abuse. This was
my dark secret life and practice for the first forty-five years of my
life.
As a seventeen year old I lived
with intense shame and guilt. Though I
was not a Christian and had not been raised attending church and had very
little comprehension of the existence of GOD, I had a deep sense within me that
my homosexual desires were not what I wanted to embrace. They were a dead-end street to me. I wanted to be married to a woman and have a
family.
Out of a sense of desperation I
made an independent conscious choice to follow Christ and to intentionally lean
more about the Christian way of living.
Unfortunately, it was not until the church intervention twenty-eight
years later that I began to more fully comprehend what authentic Christianity
looked like. I continue to be deeply
moved by GOD’s purposes through adversity and suffering. This year (November 2015) will be twenty
years that I have been on this incredible redemptive journey of following JESUS
in a transparent and authentic way. Using
the title of Hill’s book I have been “washed” clean by GOD’s Son and Holy
Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:11) and have been living my life “waiting” in hope
(Romans 8:25).
So, I am on a journey . . . an
adventure! And as I enter into the
latter years of my life things have never been better! Yes, I continue to struggle week in and week
out as I learn from JESUS how to live faithfully as a Christian who experiences
same-gender attractions. But Holy Spirit
has birthed within me a greater passion for Him than for my sexual
longings. I believe that is the only way
any human being created as sexual beings will find peace, joy, and fulfillment
as we “wait” for the culmination of our true eternal destiny . . . the purpose
for which all humans exist.
Though GOD’s presence in my life
has not meant that I now have opposite-gender attractions He has in some
mysterious way spiritually and surgically removed my old flesh born of Adam and
replaced it with His new flesh born of JESUS and His Spirit (2 Corinthians
5:14-21). Whereas before my heart’s
desire was to fulfill my fleshly desire, now my heart’s desire and passion in
life is to allow Holy Spirit to “life-out” the life of JESUS in me and through
me (Galatians 5:16-25).
I do not want to dispute GOD’s
ability to change homosexual desire for some, but I do want to clarify that has
not been my experience. Nor has it been
the experience of many other authentic Christians who silently struggle to
remain faithful as they truly worship and serve with us, day after day, in the
fellowship of the Church (Hill, p. 15).
Even still, I have made a
conscientious choice not to embrace a gay identity but rather to follow JESUS
fully and to continually pursue a deeper level of intimacy with the Father
unhindered by an idolatrous pursuit of sexuality on any level whether it be
homosexual or heterosexual.
Whether you or I possess
same-gender longings or opposite-gender longings GOD calls all of us to live
out and celebrate the moral empowering of HOLY SPIRIT in our lives (1
Corinthians 6:9-11). The purpose of my
story and of Sight Ministry is to help Christians who continue to possess
same-gender desires but who are non-practicing to live out and celebrate the
grace of JESUS and the power of HOLY SPIRIT.
[We also purpose to reach out in a redemptive loving way to challenge individuals
who are self-identified as gay and who may be Christian or who may not be
Christian to honestly consider and enter into dialogue with the truths of the
authentic Gospel of JESUS.]
I feel compelled to share my
story with complete transparency because I know there are many other Christians
who are already convinced that their discipleship to JESUS necessarily commits
them to the demanding, costly obedience of choosing not to nurture their
homosexual desires, whether through private fantasies or physical relationships
with other gay or lesbian people (Hill, page 16).
My desire is like that of Wesley
Hill’s, to contribute in some small way to breaking the silence that persists
in many churches. A large number of
Christians who possess same-gender desires feel frightened at the thought of
sharing the story of their sexuality with their fellow believers. For years they choose to remain silent
paralyzed by fear and shame. I did that
for most of my life. I will not go back
into the closet again to be enslaved by secrets. My hope is to encourage many other Christians
to take the risky step of opening up their lives to others in the body of
Christ. This encompasses a powerful
biblical principle about living in the light rather than the darkness and
openly confessing our sin and struggles with one another as we come together in
the Body of Christ the authentic Church (Hebrews 10:19-25).
I can’t say it any better than
Hill’s writing (pages 18-19):
“I desire to encourage those who
have grown up feeling like resident aliens and have struggled to know why. I desire to encourage those who are
Christians who fear what their parents might think when they discover the
attractions their sons or daughters have wrestled with for years. I desire to encourage those who have married
heterosexuals in a last ditch effort to change their sexual orientation (as I
did) but who find their homosexual desires just as strong today as they ever
were before. I want to encourage all the
Christians living behind closed doors, desperately wanting to share their
deepest secret with the churches they attend but feeling unable to.”
“I desire to encourage persons
who have experienced stinging rejections from Christians but who nevertheless
are convinced that GOD wants them to try to live pure and faithful lives within
the flawed and often hurtful community of the Church. I want to encourage those who have tried –
and are trying – to “become heterosexual” and are not succeeding and wonder,
for the umpteenth time, what exactly it is that GOD wants them to do.”
“But I also want to help others –
parents, brothers and sisters, close relatives not in the immediate family,
good friends, pastors, student leaders, counselors – who are close to
Christians who have same-gender desires and want to help guide them toward
healing, wholeness, and Christian maturity.”
“I want to help Christians who
have same-gender desires to believe that the authentic Gospel of JESUS can
enable and empower them to fulfill GOD’s purposes in this world. I want to help them to learn how to deal with
their loneliness. I want them to know
that even as a Christian who has homosexual desires they can actually be “a
real ingredient in the divine happiness” (C. S. Lewis). We can please GOD, we can truly experience
His pleasure in the midst of sexual brokenness, and in the end share in His
glory.”
“I want to help others embrace
the truth that being gay or having same-gender desires, or for that matter,
having opposite-gender desires, isn’t the most important thing about a person’s
identity. We need to passionately live
out the fact that we are Christian before we are anything else. Our sexuality is only a part of who we are, a
facet of our personality. One day,
whether in this life or the next, all of that will fade away. But our identity in JESUS will always remain!”
I wonder what the world would
look like if gay people and straight people alike would be as passionate about
having an authentic intimate love relationship with GOD through JESUS as they have
about their sexuality and about demanding their own civil rights.
May we embrace the truth that all
people are created by GOD and in the image of GOD and that our ultimate purpose
is to “love GOD with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
might” (Deuteronomy 6:5; Matthew 22:36-40).
May we come to have a heart of compassion and love toward others like me
who possess same-gender attractions but who choose to embrace their true
identity in JESUS, so that we might also have freedom to follow JESUS with the
community of faith we call the Church.
[I
want to passionately ask you to partner with Sight Ministry at this strategic
time in our nations’ history. I need
you. Individuals participating in our
ministry need you. Those who have yet to
learn of our ministry need you. Please
contact me to learn how you can partner with us.]
